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[
June 7, 2005 ]


I have a new journal..

I swear this is my last one;


yeahnewyork__
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I guess addiction is in. [
June 6, 2005 ]
I'll update about my fantastic weekend sometime tommorow.

On another note, I just wish someone cared for me like
asjkodjldjasrdklajskldjaskldjaskldja a ton and I would care
for them that much back and I'd never have to worry about a broken heart.
Because well, even if I do have other kind of relationships I still miss
the steady kind. The kind where you'd go over hills, and mountains, streams, oceans
and everything to just be with that person and never want to stop doing that
for them. And the feeling when you kiss and they smile after, it just seems so
comforting. I kind of wish I had that again.. I mean, I still get it..
I get all crushy, and I get crushes. But I think crushes are stupid
because they never get anywhere and I don't want to move on. But, I want to
be happy.. but being happy means, being with you. But I guess I could just try
and forget about you and move on, find someone fantastic. Someone who will be
there and not just one day get up and say, "we can't be together anymore."
I want to do tons of things with people. Go on random trips to downtown Vancouver.
Cute walks to the beach and skipping rocks. Holding hands and being all affectionate.
I just wish I had that, and I wouldn't have to doubt it.. and I want something more
than a stupid 2 month relationship. Uhg... I'm such a sucker.
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[
June 1, 2005 ]
Today was really good!

We had jam, then Chan and I were waiting for her mom and AJ came. AJ and I ended up going to Tim Hortons. I got 2 cookies and a sprite. We went to the mall, got smokes.. hungout..
talked..
hitched, he got dropped off.. and now I'm at home.
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I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you [
June 1, 2005 ]
i tried to choke my stare at the perfection that others would kill for
but all of the parts are the same on every face (few variables change)
the differences pale when compared to the similarity they share


I feel so empty, and like I really need to meet someone new. Someone that will make me feel better about myself, and will be a friend and be there for me. I always take things for granted, people for granted, words for granted. I really need to learn to stop doing that, because I act like I don't care.. and when it's/their gone I wonder why they're gone and I'm too stubborn to admit that it was my fault.

I just wish things could go back to normal or not even normal, because nothing is ever really normal. So, I guess I mean when i didn't feel like shit ALL the time. When nothing really ever got me down because i was always so proud.. now everything is catching up to me, and i can't run fast enough.. you know? It catches you, grasps your ankles and you fall flat on your face..

I mean, I do lots of things, I have plently of friends. Who are my real friends? Which friends will stay? I just feel as if I can't trust anyone anymore because well, who can you trust. You never know until they fuck around with your feelings. I just feel so out of place, everywhere and I'm always so awkward and say stupid things, and people laugh.. but do they really think it's funny? I just don't know anymore.

I always seem to say, "i". Maybe he was right when he said, "all you do is think about yourself. I, I, I!!"

I'm really excited about Hot Sauce Bullets. I've got the whole keyboard parts down and the singing is getting better. Oh, I'm really excited for when we get to play shows and everyone falls in love with us and we get to make merch, and sell merch and create beautiful music and take lots of pictures and have writing sessions.

I saw Star Wars tonight for my second time, I cried like a fucking baby. I never really realized how uncomfortable those stupid seats are until tonight. I probably rearranged myself about 20 times.

I went shopping today and dyed my blonde, blonder. It's really cute. My hair is feelin' it.

HAJKhdjkahsjkdha. Time for a fag, as Jamie would say.
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The best haircuts are taken [
May 30, 2005 ]
[ mood | restless ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I had a great weekend. and I also have great friends whom
I'm really glad I met.

So, Ange + Chan and I have a really
cool band. We need to jam, tommorow hopefully.
It'd be so sweet because well.. We're going
to be the best band, ever.

It's funny how people can turn on you so
quick just after a few words are spoken. It's
ignorant and I hate it and people need to
learn to deal wtih things better than they do.

I have a crush on a boy that lives way too
far away. But, damn he's cute and he's going
to move here and we're going to start a band
and we'll go on TONS of cute dates.


I love Jordan, he's reallly cute and nice;
malignant inamorata says:
you're so cute an indie
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That it's harder to be friends than lovers [
May 28, 2005 ]
[ mood | geeky ]

Tonight has been up and down, over and around. Kind of like a girl needing money without an education.
Khrystyne and I went downtown, saw 2 people we'd rather not see.
Got called bitches for no reason at all. Well, maybe because ex boyfriends make their friends dinks.
We also saw really great people.
On the bus ride home, this old man had sex toys, and sat really funny. I bet he likes men.. alot.
We watched Sid and Nancy. I want love like that, minus all the drugs and fighting. Just living to be with that person, and doing anything for them. and most of all, always returning no matter what.
I love Khrystyne. I really do, she's so easy to talk to... and really cute.
It's so weird how things turn out, or don't turn out. I probably would of met Khrystyne and AJ on New Years if Jess and I came to visit and I probably wouldn't of ever got involved with AJ and maybe I would of met somebody different. Maybe Khrystyne and I would even hate eachother? I don't know..
When we were sitting on the bus, waiting for it to go.. I showed Evelyn my butt and I bet lots of other people saw it.
Oh, and.. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
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[
May 27, 2005 ]
[ mood | ILOVESTYNE ]

i love khrystyne.
today, we met up and we went swimming in the lake.
and now, we're drinking smoothies. DIET smoothies.
and before that, we were eating clodhoppers and strawberries.
lovelovelove.
i love you styne.

it's really fucking hot out and we feel like marshmellows.
ewe, duh it's hot.
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The best hair cuts are taken. [
May 24, 2005 ]
i'm not coming out until this is all over
and i'm looking through the glass
where the light bends at the cracks
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs
pretending the echoes belong to someone



I really feel like puking, right now.
I've never in my life let someone pick me apart, make me feel like shit, and just leave me..
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everybody's tired of laying down with you [
May 24, 2005 ]
[ mood | cranky ]

Recap of my weekend;

Friday;

I went to Nanaimo, went to a show, and got all upset. Ended up going to the bridge party with Brea and Brad. Did some drugs.. Brad, Brea and I had to hide from the police in the bush and Brea and I were holding hands really tight. We made a bed with the party couches, stayed up all night smoking and talking, Brad started to cat nap so Brea and I walked to Marks and got her sweaters and some pop then walked back, woke Brad up.. Brad and I cought the bus to his house while Brea went to her job interveiw. Brad and I layed in bed and decided to smoke some pot and I took a really big hoot and almost died so I had to run to the bathroom and I was in there for over an hour or so just sitting there contemplating getting up or not. Then, it was time for some sleep. I pulled myself up, with help of Brad and crawled into bed and fell asleep until 6:00 then Brea came over and Brady, Brad, Brea and I watched some movies.. then, it was time for bed sooner or later.. I fell asleep for a while, went into the living room and hung out with Brady until 7:00, then fell asleep until 9:45.

Sunday;

Brea, Brad, Chanel, Brady and I cought the bus to the Woodgrove. Brad went to work, Brea and I went to the mall, decided to go to Kayleighs, and did our makeup and then we went and got hot dogs from The Brick which made us real sick. Time passed, and Brea and I were REALLY tired, and wanted to go to bed. Got alcohol, went back to Brads house, and Brea and I ran into the room holding hands, with alcohol and came out wearing boxers and asking for a cigarettes. LESBIANS? No way! We couldn't really sleep, and Jeremy Chanel, Kayleigh and I went and got A and Dub, came back, drank more, then, we all piled into the car and Brea, Brad and I climbed in the trunk and I got hurt on my head by it slamming down and so I sat in the car with cuties and got poked in the eye, then hit my head, and THEN almost got ran over. I ended up drinking with Dana at the fireworks and poking people in the face, etc with my stick which probably hurt.
By now, I was wasted.. so, Nadja took me home, threw the rest of my fucking fourtie out.. and, well, I fell asleep after smoking pot.

Monday;

Mike walked me to the highway, I hitched and got a ride with Val and Santon and then I hitched again and got a ride with an old couple.. went to Matt's, totally fucking out of my mind tired and then I got my mom to pick me up, eat, and then I ended up going to Tyrel's for a show, and then to a party and I am drunk, and it was fun.. now, it's time for bed.

I really miss Khrystne, and I love her to bits. SOOOO sooooon until we get to cuddle again!
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Nobody Said It Was Easy. [
May 18, 2005 ]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
And you're blind to the fact that my
Heart stopped beating
And I'm as good as dead


I'm really scared of change. When you start realizing that things are changing, when you drive past a bush you've drove past in winter time, but now it's so blossomed you cannot see to the other side. And how your favourite pants start ripping and soon you will not be able to wear them. It's really strange and I hate it so much.

By the end of this summer, I'll most likely forget about everyone that I don't usually talk to anymore and when someone mentions their name I'll have a vague memory of them. To tell you guys the truth though, I'm competly fine with that. I need to forget about things that have passed through me in the last 3 months. Forget competly about it and never look back. I mean, what good does it do to dwell on past relationships and friends that aren't really your friends.

I'm really just happy for next weekend and actually looking forward to something. I'm going to spend the weekend with Khrystyne, and that means scary alien movies, Jurassic Park, and lots, and lots of cuddling and talking. I really enjoy that girl alot. She makes me really feel good about myself and to actually be happy for once. I really also like Dana, she's an amazing girl. I'm excited to see her soon.
The weather is bringing me down.

Complaining about relationships sucks and complaining about things you cant change. Things that no one else cares about that sucks even more.


I am sick of all of you and your it’s not you it’s me ricketa-racketa if you know that to be true then work to fix it otherwise stop bitching about who you don’t have
can’t have
or lost and can't get back
and step up to someone who is interested in all that is you
I'd rather burn out than fade away.

Oh, and on a better note;

I'm in love w/ jedi mind tricks.



"i'm like mussolini, i rule with an iron fist
i'll stab you in the bladder with a dagger and watch you die in piss"
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[
May 18, 2005 ]
[ mood | cranky ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
if I gave you
the key to yourself
would you throw it away
or unlock and discover?

would you realize that there's more to life
than this..



coral; walk away on broken legs says:
everyone of them actually. they say they love you, and then they totally just leave you.
coral; walk away on broken legs says:
i don't think that's love
coral; walk away on broken legs says:
love is when you'd go over hills, and mountains, and streams, and meadows, everything.. just to be with that person. no matter what, you'd bne there for them but.. whatever.
coral; walk away on broken legs says:
love doesn't mean anything
walk away on broken legsCollapse )
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you're ruining it for everyone [
May 16, 2005 ]
so this weekend was like a roller coaster.

i went to nanaimo.
things went down.
maybe i should just be alone, for like, a long time.

i came home, went to loryn's house and we cuddled and what not because i got there and i just started crying my eyeballs out.
i slept over at loryns, and then we went to my house this morning, or i guess yesterday morning and decided to walk around comox.
so we're walking around and i get this craving for the mints in the woodgrove mall, so i say, lets hitch to nanaimo. so, we hitch hike, and it took us pretty much forever.
we met really amazing people.
we saw nicole, chandee, and jenna and it was pretty much the best thing ever.
we came home, and drank with a paralized guy and smoked pot with him. he drove with a cane.

yesterday, i really came to the realization after this man gave us a ride.
you really have to love yourself to get anywhere. and that honestly, we are nothing. when we cry, it tastes like salt.
we're all like pretty much a big ocean.
just crashing against the shore and going in and out, around, everywhere.

and i really want to get ahold of him so i can tell him this;
"i hold nothing against you because i've come to realize that when you're in a relationship, and you argue. it only makes it worse if you want it to. it's hard to be in a relationship and get along because really, we don't know who we are and we're trying to find ourselves out, and when we're with someone else.. we're trying to find them out too and it's really hard. i just want you to know that i have no regret on anything. bye."

i'm a terrible person
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but break my heart, for i must hold my tongue [
May 11, 2005 ]
[ mood | hot ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
the full moon rises behind a sky scraper
dominating the night sky the light reflects off a loved ones eyes
the night is still young like the love


tonight emily and i hung out and it was really nice. i just love having a friend that is a real friend. nothing fake, like an decoration for a christmas tree that you just see, and use once a year. i like having a friend i can really blurt everything out with and giggle and talk about boys with and how things are changing, and how good news comes, and bad news leaves.. and when the bad news comes.. everything else just gets pushed out of the way.
i want to tell stories, and be able to hear amazing stories from amazing people like brock because i think by the time he's an old man, he's going to have to much to tell. i wish i would be his childrens, children because then he'd be my grandpa and he could tell me stories every time i saw him and even if they might not be true, they'd still be interesting and i'd love to hear them.
i'm really nervous for friday. i know i shouldn't be, but i really am.
it's really crazy how much things change when you actually think about it. like, things change EVERY single day. and it's scary, people are leaving, people leave. and there is not one thing you can do about it because well, people have to do what they have to do and it's not like you can stop them.
i really like some people. and i really, really hate some people.

post your name and i'll tell you what i think about you.


hand in hand, the world has stopped two hearts beat in harmonyCollapse )
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[
May 11, 2005 ]
[ mood | depressed ]

i'm having the worst day of my life, ever.
we're not even going to be friends and i wish we could be.
i've never been more upset in my whole entire life.
i love nicole, and i love the people who i can talk to
about this because if i couldn't talk to anyone.. i'm sure
i'd be dead. i said really mean things like,

your spelling errors in love letters just killed your dream says:
i'm not wasting my time anymore
your spelling errors in love letters just killed your dream says:
i'm not pretending everything is ok
your spelling errors in love letters just killed your dream says:
you can just seriously drownd for all i care
your spelling errors in love letters just killed your dream says:
because i feel dead
your spelling errors in love letters just killed your dream says:
you don't know how much it hurts.
flesh guns with nail bulletes blowing my fucking mind says:
O i do, but you wouldnt know anything about that

i can't stand this anymore. i just really feel like complete
shit and i'm so lonely and i can't do anything about it. i feel
like i'm pleading and it's horrible. i really want to go out
and drink my whole entire sorrow away and puke it all out, flush it
and never look back. wouldn't life be so easy if you could do that..
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[
May 10, 2005 ]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep


I'm real content right now. I fell asleep on the phone lastnight while conversing with Cody, he called back at 3:30 and my mom picked up?

Does anyone want to do something today?

I'm shaking hands with a hurricaneCollapse )
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i want to be the surgeon that cuts you open & fixes all of life's mistakes [
May 10, 2005 ]
[ mood | exhausted ]

she'll pretend that
well she's somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2000 miles
from here


everything is pretty weird right now.. but yet, really good.
friday i went to nanaimo and shared a smoke with a nice boy, a very nice boy. then, i pretty much walked from aj's to the woodgrove because he wasn't home when he said he probably would be. then, i walked around the woodgrove for about 3 hours, cought the bus to the country club mall, and then i walked to the cavalotti and danced my butt off. anna, steve and i went back to her house, played a cool asian dancing game and started watching a movie. i took my shoes off and drifted in and out of sleep, anna woke me up, and i fell back asleep about 5 minutes later.
saturday i got up around 9 and anna and i ate cereal, and then i had a shower and we watched jumungi(sp?) and i cought the bus to meet up with nicole back at the woodgrove mall. we walked around alot, i met new friends. i met up with aj and i was all, "yo i need my pants" and so i just hung out with him and plans kept changing and falling throgh. dana gave me bus fair, when i didn't catch the bus with her. i'll give it back to her. aj and i left the mall with brittany and curt and went to their band practice and i sat, somewhat in a daze. kind of upset, kind of thinking of why he kept looking at me. we ended up arguing some, and then angie drove him and i back to his house. it was all awkward, and we cuddled and whatever, then we fought alot and it ended in, "goodbye" and me walking away crying really hard.. i had to use his phone so i walked back and he was sitting on the trail all upset, i consoled him and told him i was sorry for ever meeting him and putting him through this. we went back to his house, i used the phone.. then we cuddled and talked some more and he walked me to meet up with my mom. i ended up crying for like 45 minutes in the car and then i just fell asleep and forgot about everything.
sunday loryn came over and i was a bitch all day because i was upset. i was mean to my mom, on mother day.. oh, and i went to the beach and attempted to swim but i was kind of cold. happy birthday sheena.. ashley came to pick me up and we went to her friend tara's and played and drank and i made new friends. got home around 10, cody called. cody and i talked on the phone really late.
monday i slept in real late and then i talked to cody lots. and i didn't really do anything. i stole chocolate from superstore and smoked a ciggarette or two, and i watched jurassic park 3 and the bachelor and now i'm watching the lost world. i'm talking to cody. and we're making plans for friday.
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[
May 4, 2005 ]
My uncle just gave me a ciggarette and it was pretty much the weirdest thing, ever!
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[
May 2, 2005 ]
And it hurts all the time when you don't return my calls
And you haven't got the time to remember how it was
It's so cold in this house


I feel sick and I don't like it at all. My nose is stuffy and my shoulder hurts alot from falling asleep on it and sleeping in.

I really wish things would go back to how they used to be.. I really miss being content and happy with that one person and it didn't matter then taking it for granted and then it fucking up and never really happening again. I know you wont probably read this unless you're really curious or something and look at my livejournal because you still care or something like that.. but I love you.. alot. I really do.

I feel like I need to do something. I need to get this weight off my shoulders and do something exciting, something different. By that I mean not getting drunk and stumbling home and finding new places, I want to go somewhere really pretty, somewhere new..

Like drinking poison, like eating glass
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[
May 1, 2005 ]
the last week has been crazy..

i've consumed so much rap, beer, and naked girls more than i ever have, ever.

i really wish i could be with the person i want to be with.. i love him.. he loves me.. but we can't be together? i hate it, i hate hate hate hate hate it.












but, i space jam.
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[
May 1, 2005 ]
i love nicole.
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